Saturday, May 22, 2010

I'm Back...

hey guys, sorry for disappearing. long story short, my boyfriend found my blog and i kind of freaked out because there was a lot of personal and private things in it, so it turned me off of posting. i have missed you all very much though, and i have some pretty horrible news.

in the two months that i have been gone,
i have gained
15 pounds.

yup. i now weigh 125 lbs.

my body is ruined. i dont know what came over me.. without the support of this blog and all to keep myself on track, i've lost control completely. i just eat. i put anything and everything in my mouth without thinking. its disgusting. my stomach is huge and bloated all the time, my thighs have expanded, even my fucking arms and back are flabby now. my face too.. i feel so ugly.

i just cant stay away from here any longer.. it was you guys that kept me on track. it was so much easier for me to be good about food when i knew that i had people to come through for.. i hate being such a disappointment. a failure. a big FAT failure.

anyway. i need a new plan, something to sort me out properly. new goals and new discipline. i need to fucking focus or i am just going to keep gaining weight and becoming even more revolting. i think im going to aim for 700 cals a day, or less. lots of what i eat is just shit food, so it'll be easy enough to cut that out. 700 cals, and at least one hour of exercise a day.

not too much has happened in the two months that i've been gone, other than me turning into a nasty horrific blob. i lost my job, the restaurant closed down so everyone got let go, and i still havnt found another one. school is over, so i literally have no life other than seeing friends and such. i think the fact that i have absolutely nothing to keep me busy is contributing greatly to my weight gain. so instead of being a fucking lazy cow and sitting around and eating all day, i need to be putting this free time to good use.

i hope you all have been well.. i've been sort of keeping up with your guys' blogs, and im so proud of all of you that are achieving your goals. keep up the great work ladies, hopefully you can help motivate me to get back on track =(

stay skinny,
s. xo

Thursday, March 11, 2010

almost the weekend ..

hey my lovely skinnies
hope you're all doing good!

not much to report over here.. been doing better with my food intake, keep it around 800 cals a day, i know i can go wayyyy lower than that, and i will do so.

went to the doctors today for allergy testing, had my arms pricked like a hundred times so they are now itchy and uncomfortable =( while my mom and i were sitting in the office waiting for the doctor to come in, she said something interesting to me.. she was like, "samantha, you look like you've lost weight." so inside of course i was like YES I LOOK SKINNIER YAYY but obviously i played dumb about it.. oh well lol even if my results are small and pathetic, they are at least a bit noticeable.

all booked up and apointment set for a vertical clitoral hood piercing tomorrow at 2:00! im super excited.. not really nervous but still. i know my tummy will get a bit jumpy once i lay down on that piercing chair.. im too stoked =)

anyway yea sorry this post is kind of all over the place, im feeling a bit.. loopy, i guess. theres just so much going on all at once right now, im getting a bit overwhelmed. i'll try and post later when i get home from work!


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

fat fat fat

i am fat.
i am not in a good mood today...

this morning my mom made a huge breakfast for everyone.. scrambled eggs with salsa and bacon on english muffins.. so good but fatty =( after that my family and i went out to costco to get pictures taken for our passports (surprise surprise, i looked about 200 lbs in mine). afterwards, my dad and brother claimed to be starving so they wanted to go out for lunch. i was already ready to be done eating for the day thanks to the huge breakfast we had. but no, they were hungry so we went out.

i was at least hoping we could go somewhere where i could order a salad, but nope, we ended up going to a little burger shack place. burgers, hotdogs, milkshakes and pop only. good lord kill me now. i had a hotdog and a banana milkshake, dont even want to know the cals.

after that i went to H's house, we played some video games and i avoided eating there. i went straight to work from there at 5, so i missed dinner. didnt eat at work, and i was just on my way home when a friend who works in the kitchen called me over. he had just cooked up some new wok dish, and wanted someone to try it. he said "you look hungry, come eat this and tell me what you think." i looked hungry? ugh. i couldnt really say no, so i took a bite.. and another.. and another.. pretty much inhaled the whole thing.

anyway so there you have it, i am as fat as can be.

oh yeah, my mom made cookies. i've had about twelve so far. someone just needs to come and sew my mouth closed!

maybe i can fast tomorrow... if i can, i will!

take care lovelies,
s. xo

Monday, March 8, 2010

a new week

hey friends
so it is monday yet again, and a new week begins...

i am hoping to stick to the same plan i did last week (~200 cal breakfast, water water water, skip dinner if possible). i think i did okay with it, but i know i can do better!

i have about a month of school left, and i CANNOT WAIT for it to be over. not going to lie, i am pretty disappointed with my first year of university so far. i know it is what you make of it, but im just not enjoying it at all. im taking a variety of courses, none of which are sparking my interest, and half the time i just find myself falling asleep in class, bored to tears. oh well.

i need to buy a proper scale ASAP. i have an ominous feeling that the one i have now i pretty far off the accurate mark, and its probably telling me im a whole lot lighter than i actually am. cause no fucking way do i feel like im 110 lbs. i just feel so damn heavy and flabby and huge =(

anyway girls hope you all have a nice day.
s. xo

Sunday, March 7, 2010

weird weekend

hey guys, sorry ive not really had much to post about over the past few days...

friday was a good day, i made the banana ice cream stuff (180 cals) and it was nothing really like ice cream lol, more just like creamy banana mush.. pretty tasty either way though! i had that an one grape (2 cals) and two almonds (14 cals) for breakfast, so 196 to start my day. went to the mall with H, didnt buy anything though. then we went to the beach cause the weather was amazing, it was the most beautiful day we've had in a long time! managed not to eat up til dinner time, H insisted on going to white spot (fucking hate eating there cause for some reason they have no nutritional info anywhere on the web!) and i had the meditterranean chicken salad.. basically chicken, lettuce/spinach, cucumbers, olives, peppers and onions, no dressing. i guess 350 cals? anyway then H ordered dessert for us, the mini hot fudge brownie, and i only had two bites of it so i dont know, 50 cals? that puts me at around 596 for the day. higher than i would have liked but whatever.

yesterday was a pretty shitty day.. dont really feel like going into detail, but i ate alot, H and i fought, M pissed me off, i cried, was grumpy and felt like i had wasted my whole saturday.

so here i am on sunday morning, still havnt gotten out of bed yet. i dont want to eat anything today. i am back down to 109.5 lbs, but it doesnt really look like it cause my stomach is so bloated for some reason. it looks like im fucking pregnant. really odd though, cause my hipbones are becoming much more visible, yet my stomach seems to stick out farther and farther.. wtf?

i kind of want to go get pierced today. i know i was talking about a tattoo for when i reach 100 lbs, but i think i'll just wait til my birthday in october for that. in the meantime though, i think i've settled on the VCH piercing... just seems really fun to me!

also, hello to my new followers =) hope you are all well, thanks for following.

anyway hope you lovely people have a nice day, i'll post again before i go to bed.

stay skinny,
s. xo

Thursday, March 4, 2010

fast day complete !

hey friends =)
hope you're all well! today, i planned to fast, and i pulled it off. didnt eat a single nibble of anything all day... all i had was bottle after bottle of lime water and one vanilla rooibos tea from starbucks (0 cals!)

also, walked 45 mins to H's house this morning, and then from there, 30 mins to school. and then running around at work from 5 - 9.30, my legs are damn tired! its kind of odd though... all this exercise and no intake at all, and i dont even feel hungry. my stomach has growled maybe twice today lol. oh well at least i know im empty and i feel good about it =)

so plan for tomorrow: im so sorry i cant remember who's blog i found this on, but it is a recipe for ice cream made just from bananas! or something like it anyway. you throw a few frozen bananas in a blender and just blend away until they are completely dissolved.. apparently the consistency is like ice cream? i dont know, but i think im gonna try that for breakfast instead of my oatmeal. two bananas should still come to around 200 cals, a bit less. then after that no more food til dinner.. still not sure if we are going out or not. ill only eat dinner if we end up going out i guess.

in other news... got my period today, already feeling the period bloat and grossness coming on. cramps are brutal =( oh and just a question in case anyone knows.. on the label for my centrum forte, it says do not take less than two hours before or four hours after other meds.. does this inclue ibuprophen and antihistamines? i take two ibuprophens and a reactin pill every morning for my back/leg pain and my allergies, and its kind of a pain to remember to take my mulitvitamin in the middle of the day, or 4 hours later lol. it would be preferable to just take them all at once! the label isnt very specific, so i dont know if it means medication like meds in general or like medication medication... you know what i mean lol.

i am currently reading a great book, its called the lost symbol, by dan brown. he's the guy who wrote angels and demons, and the da vinci code. its an awesome read if you enjoyed those books, i recommend it! i have been meaning to get to the library and pick up a copy of wasted by marya hornbacher, defs want to read that soon. anyone seen any good movies lately? anything you can recommend to me?

anyway thats all for now, im super tired sooo gonna try and get a solid 8 hours sleep!

stay focused ladies =)
s. xo

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


hey everyone
today was both good and bad... lets start off with the good.

i had my breakfast this morning, oatmeal (160 cals) and an apple (60 cals), for a 220 cal meal. i went off to school, and my class got let out early today. i was walking towards the bus stop when i thought hey, why dont i just walk home? now im always up for nice long walks and exercise, but this long walk would be REALLY long. like, almost two hours long. but hey, i had nothing better to do. so i walked, two hours, home.

finally arrived home, jumped in the shower and took a short nap. my mom was out getting groceries, so i thought i would be able to escape dinner altogether before work, but my dad got home about half an hour before i was to leave, and he forced me to eat. so i had a bowl of chicken soup (100 cals) which wasnt too bad, considering all the exercise i had just gotten. anyway i get to work, and within an hour of being there, i caved =( there was a mistake fried rice sitting in the back.. i stood and stared at it for probably 5 minutes before eating, trying so hard to convince myself NO. but i couldnt.. i failed. i ate a few mouthfuls of it, and then a bite or two of chocolate cake, and then a whole god damn chicken sandwich. what the fuck samantha?!?! i wasnt even hungry!

sooo im trying to work out the cals in my head a bit.. work was super super busy so i was running a lot, plus the 2 hour walk, that must be a lot of cals burnt? hopefully it sort of evens out the cals i ingested. ewww. tomorrow will be a fast day! just cause i feel like it, not really to punish myself. water and tea only.

so here is my plan for tomorrow:

get up around 9, shower, get ready for the day
leave the house at 11, walk to H's (about a 40 min walk)
arrive there probably 11.45, hang out with him til 1.30 (NO EATING)
leave at 1.30, walk to school from his house (about 20 mins)
class from 2-4, mom will pick me up from school at 4.15
start work at 5, so hopefully i will avoid dinner
dont fucking eat at work ! good grief.
probably be there til 10 or 10.30, straight to bed when i get home.

sound good? yes. lots of walking and exercise tomorrow. i want to wake up on friday feeling empty empty empty. i may be going out for dinner with some friends on friday night, if that is the case i wont eat breakfast or anything before that. hopefully we go to red robin or something, they have that great huge salad that is like 320 cals. saturday i will be drinking heavily, its a friend's birthday, soo i'll probably eat breakfast on saturday and then a very small little something before the party just so i dont puke lol.

so disappointed that i caved at work, i was doing so good too =( hmph. fuck you stomach.

anyway.. hope you girls all had a good day! lets make tomorrow an even better one!

love you all,
s. xo

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

getting a grip

hello ladies !
i had a very good day today. stuck to my plan, didnt snack, did quite well =)

for breakfast i had my oatmeal (160 cals) and a kiwi fruit (40 cals) as planned. that was going to be it for the day but M stopped by unexpectedly with a skinny vanilla latte (90 cals) for me.. thank god it was skinny =) i managed to miss dinner completely, and at work i didnt have a single bite of anything, a single french fry, nothing! just some tea near the end of my shift (2 cals).

so that brings my total for the day to 292 calories, 92 of which are liquid. i am very okay with this !! work was busy too, so i was running around a lot, definitely got a bit of a workout. also, i drank SOOO much freaking water today... and i feel great, i probably peed like twenty times. i have this great water bottle, its like a whole litre, i probably refilled it 6 or 7 times today between 10am and 5pm! my mom bought some lime juice, so i flavoured my water with that instead of lemon juice today. im still meaning to go to the store so i can buy some packets of crystal light to make my water more exciting.

so tomorrow im aiming for the same type of day. i have school from 10-2, so ill eat breakfast before then and hopefully i'll be able to miss dinner again because i have work starting at 5. i hope its as good as today was!

i know its only been one day of getting my shit together, but im starting to feel better already. i really need to try hard to stick to this! hope you girls have a great week.

think thin always!
s. xo

Monday, March 1, 2010

starting fresh... again

hey friends.. happy march!
hope you are all well! its been a long ugly day for me today, im glad to be home =(

okay so. i have been doing terribly the past week. im embarrassed about it so im not going to go into much detail. didnt really stick to any of my plans at all =( but now it is a new month, time for a fresh start, more new plans, the whole lot of it lol. i feel like i've been letting you guys down.. you're all doing so great and heres me, stuffing my face like a fatass. i dont deserve to be here. anyway, here's the plan for march.. the days are all pretty much the same lol.

mondays [school 10-4]: oatmeal + any fruit for breakfast (~200 cals), water throughout the day, skip dinner if able.
tuesdays [work 5-11]: oatmeal + any fruit for breakfast (~200 cals), water throughout the day, "eat dinner" at work to avoid eating at home.
wednesdays [school 10-2, work 5-11]: oatmeal + any fruit for breakfast (~200 cals), water throughout the day, "eat dinner" at work to avoid eating at home.
thursdays [school 2-4, work 5-11]: oatmeal + any fruit for breakfast (~200 cals), water throughout the day, "eat dinner" at work to avoid eating at home.
fridays: oatmeal + any fruit for breakfast (~200 cals), water throughout the day, if i eat out SALAD ONLY
saturdays: oatmeal + any fruit for breakfast (~200 cals), water throughout the day, if i eat out SALAD ONLY
sundays [work 12-8]: oatmeal + any fruit for breakfast (~200 cals), water throughout the day, "ate dinner" at work already

k you might be asking yourself why i just basically wrote the same thing 7 times over lol, but thats my OCD for you, it would bug the shit out of me if i didnt have the same little format for each day. anyway so yeah basically eat breakfast every day to get the metabolism going but keep it around 200 cals. monday night is really the only night i am home around dinner time, so if i do have to eat with my family, once a week wont be so terrible. tuesday, wednesday and thursday i will "eat dinner at work", thats easy enough. fridays and saturdays can be scary (no work or school to keep me busy) but ill stick to salad and water only if H and i go out to eat. no snacking, no eating at work. drink as much water as possible! i gotta stick to this. i pretty much gained back all the weight i lost over the past month, and i feel disgusting.

well now that the olympics are done its back to school for me... yuck. on the bright side being at school will keep me busy and able to not eat without anyone noticing. im sad that the olympics are done, the buzz around the city was so much fun, it was a great two weeks, and hey what about that amazing hockey game yesterday?! 3-2 against the USA in overtime!! a grand total of 14 GOLD MEDALS!!! definitely a proud moment to be canadian =)

anyway lovelies that is what i am going to do!
hope you all had a nice day =)
stay strong and think thin !

s. xo

Saturday, February 27, 2010


hey everyone!
hope your weekends have all gotten off to a good start.

okay so yesterday H's family and i all went out to this indian restaurant for P's 24th birthday. they ordered SO much food, i was like omg... so for dinner i stuck with a few small pieces of butter chicken, and one naan. doesnt sound too bad to me. i know, i bet one naan has about 1000 cals in it, but whatever, i was pretty good for the rest of the day.

after dinner, H, P, S (their sister) and i went to the movies and saw cop out. it was pretty funny! the boys devoured most of the popcorn before i could get to it, so i only had like half a handful. their sister S is so skinny.. she's 27, tall and slim and quite pretty. pretty sure she doesnt like me very much though; shes actually not a very nice person, always making things hard on their mom and being a brat and thinking only of herself, etc. if i didnt know better i would think she was 13 because of her immature attitude. and i am often subject to evil glares when we are around each other. whatever though.. she still lives at home, but is rarely there whenever i am because she is always with her boyfriend in the city. and im totally fine with not seeing her lol.

thinking of maybe weighing myself today... will update you girls later if i do.

today happens to be my grandmother's 86th birthday. she is so cute. she's a bit senile though, so being around her for too long can become a bit wearing, but she's a doll, always making dirty jokes and things like that lol. anyway my mother and two aunts are taking her to the casino (her favourite!) for the afternoon and then to a movie. afterwards, we are gathering at my aunts house to have chinese food for dinner.. ugh. theres going to be loads of family there so nobody will notice if i pick at my food and barely eat. in fact, i could likely get away with not eating at all, but after dinner im going out to a party with my girlfriend V and we will be drinking and i have no desire to become ill tonight due to drinking on an empty stomach =) so i will have a few noodles and maybe an egg roll or something.

i know i've mentioned M to you guys before, but i think i have yet to mention V. M and V are my two best friends in the world. they are amazing ladies. i've known V since we were 5 years old, and only met M about 6 years ago but it feels like i've known her my whole life. i couldnt ask for better girlfriends. M is the down to earth, sweet-but-tells-it-like-it-is kind of girl. V is completely boy crazy, always has a guy on the go (not to the extent of L, previously mentioned.. and thank god lol), but i always have loads of fun with her. i trust both these girls with anything, we all know each others' secrets. but they dont know about this one. i dont really know what they would do if they found out, either. i am definitely the thinnest out of the three of us (just to put things in perspective: i am white, M is philippina, and V is spanish. we are all shorter than 5'2", and all have pretty similar body shapes.) M is the heaviest... she is super athletic though. her mom does a lot of cooking, same with V's mom, cause food is such a big part of their culture, and it shows on both of them. I would put V between us; she isnt really fat or really thin. just average.

now i love my girls to death and feel bad picking at their weight, but we rarely eat healthy when we are all together. V works at (gasp) mcdonalds, M works at a breakfast restaurant and i work in a dinner restaurant/pub. whenever we hang out, we usually eat at one of our work places, more often than not, mcdonalds lol. we always have our girls nights, where we will drink and smoke a little too much, get the munchies and just pig out.. we are all paying the price. i wish so bad that i could tell them how i really am, how i really feel, how i really think. not to toot anyones horn, but we are a gorgeous little group; my two friends are very good looking, and i cant help but think, how much more beautiful would we be if we were all skinny?

anyway enough about all that lol. sorry that went on a bit longer than intended.

so in my last post i mentioned piercings and tattoos.. for those who asked, i will be getting a quote from the book, "Petit Prince", or as you may know it in english, "The Little Prince", by antoine de saint-exupery. if you havnt read it, you should. its a short book, but the message is powerful. i am fluent in french, and went to french school, so i read this book in maybe the 10th grade. the quote is:

"On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur; L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."

a rough translation of this is, "our eyes are blind; the essential things in life are only visible to the heart." its much prettier in french lol. i would get it on my left side, on my ribcage, in delicate handwriting. i just think its completely true! in the end, material things arent whats important, and you can sure see love and emotion with your heart better than with your eyes.

anyway i am rambling and rambling so i will let you girls get on with your day.. hope its a good one, i'll post later tonight, or tomorrow morning as i'll probably be too drunk for a proper post tonight haha.

love you all, and thank you again for all your beautiful comments!!
s. xo

Thursday, February 25, 2010

better days

hey friends
so sorry for being MIA for a few days.. i havnt really been busy, just not found time to update!
soo fasting yesterday and today didnt exactly happen, but i did manage to keep under 500 cals for both days. so im going to stick to what i originally planned, under 500 cals for friday, saturday and sunday as well. i dont really feel any better.. i've not weighed myself so im assuming i've gained/stayed the same. blah. i think im going to wait til monday morning to weigh myself again.

i had a nice little fight with myself today. standing in front of the mirror. i look so fat and i cried and cussed myself out for being so weak. do i want to look like a huge fucking cow? no? then why do i continue to shovel food down my throat? dont i want to be thin and beautiful? well i wont get there by eating plate after plate of crap! i cried and cried. all this takes such an emotional toll. i've been such a bitch lately, to H and to my family. my temper has been very short, and i find myself always grumpy and tired.

i have been having absolutely the worst sleeps lately. a little tidbit for you ladies: im into some rough sports, so naturally, injuries are not unexpected. unfortunately, i have a bad back as it is; always sore, always aching, you know how it is. anyway, around christmas time, i guess i did something to trigger a pre-existing back injury. i slipped a disk in my spine, which is now pinching my sciatic nerve. at first the pain in my lower back was unbearable, i couldnt walk for days. but even worse, was the pain radiating down into my left thigh. its awful. i dont mean to sound like a pussy, but seriously i have never been in such pain before. i went to the doctor and he diagnosed the slipped disk. i got xrays and ct scans, the whole deal. i was prescribed physiotheraphy (which for some fucking reason i still havnt started). anyway that was about two months ago. the pain in my back comes and goes as it always has, but the pain in my thigh is still there. just imagine, someone stabbing you over and over with a dull knife, slowly and deliberately. its quite unpleasant. i bring this up because it has basically prevented me from sleeping a full night; the most painful position for me to be in, is lying down. so this, paired with the insomnia i already suffered from, paired with the fatigue and crankiness from lack of nutrients, paired with the lingering cough i simply cannot shake, is just making me a bit of a pain to be around. i feel bad, im trying so hard not to take it out on others.. but it just seems they are suddenly so much more irritating! =(

anyway. i have decided its time to start taking a multivitamin. i have settled on centrum forte. ive heard good reviews, do any of you ladies take this particular vitamin? or can anyone suggest a better one? im hoping it will help me sleep a bit better, maybe make my skin a bit less dull as well. i have also decided that tomorrow i will be off to the shop to buy some crystal light powder for my water. try as i might, i cannot bring myself to keep drinking plain water. or water with lemon. i am so sick of it altogether, but i know that water is key, so maybe by adding a little something more fun to it, i'll be more keen on consuming more!

tomorrow is P's birthday (H's older brother). i believe we are going out to an indian restaurant.. im not really a fan of indian (except the naan bread... always been a sucker for the naan bread lol) so ill try my best to just stick to the veggies. im sure H will be putting a bit of everything on my plate, but ill do my best to control myself!

also: just a quick little question for you girls. i am really into piercings and tattoos, etc. i have decided i will reward myself with my first tattoo (a french quote, on my left side) when i reach 100 lbs. as for piercings, i have 13... four in each earlobe, two in my right ear cartilage, one in my left ear rook, one in my bellybutton and one beneath my tongue. anyone who's ever been pierced more than once can say it can become a bit addicting lol... anyway, i've really been wanting a new one to add to my collection! have you ladies got any suggestions? id rather stay away from lip/nose/eyebrow.. anything else, im game to hear your opinions =)

have a great weekend girls, help me be strong and i'll be thinking of all of you!!

s. xo

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


hello lovelies
first off i want to say sorry for the weak posts and for not commenting as much as i would love to! i've been pretty busy over the past few days.

yesterday i went out of town to visit a friend who moved out there about four years ago. back in elementary school and the beginning of high school, we were inseparable, the best of friends. inevitably, when she moved away, we began to drift apart. at first i was sad about this, but slowly i accepted it. we talk maybe once a month now, and it doesnt bother me at all.. honestly, i just kind of wish we would stop talking all together. now i know this sounds like an awful thing to say, but this friend, L, is just so.. immature? i dont even know the word to describe her. she cheats on all her boyfriends, but gets crushed when they cheat on her. she never listens to me when we talk, its always about her and whats going on in her life (ALWAYS involving boys). i just get sick of her so quickly, i would just rather not be associated with her anymore. but for some reason she has been begging me lately to come hang out with her (she is kind of oblivious i guess) so finally i go out there. what do we do? the same thing we always do when i go visit her... we go to the home of whichever guy she is fucking at that time, they make out and i sit and watch tv. like seriously, you invited me here, i drive an hour to come see you and all you do is sit and basically fuck your boyfriend in front of me. like thanks, but no. anyway thats pretty much what my yesterday was.

i ate way too much again today and yesterday. just way too much. my belly is so bloated and huge. i want to puke.

i am going to fast tomorrow and thursday, and then restrict to 500 cals per day for the rest of the week. hopefully get a bit of the gross off of me. then next week, i am going to follow this plan:

monday: 400 cals
tuesday: fast
wednesday: 300 cals
thursday: fast
friday: 400 cals
saturday: 500 cals
sunday: fast

next week i will be back at school (ugh) so it will be easy for me not to eat, as i'll be out of the house. i havnt weighed myself since i discovered i was 113, but i seriously feel like im 340293 lbs, i just feel like a huge blob.

anyway enough moping! i will be strong and i will get back on track. i will lose this weight!!

hope you girls had a lovely weekend =) and thank you dears for the lovely comments. you really warm my heart.

love and more love,
s. xo

Monday, February 22, 2010

113 lbs ...

... thats like, i gained 4 pounds in 4 days. ew.
girls why am i so weak =(

s. xo

Sunday, February 21, 2010


hey darlings
hope you're all doing better than i am!
i have several things to talk about in this post before i head off to work for the day.

firstly: thank you ladies so much for all your support. i appreciate it more than anything, you are all so kind hearted and encouraging. it makes my day to see that you've left me a comment, to know that you're actually understanding what im going through, that we're all in this together.

secondly: an "anonymous" poster left me a nice little comment on my last entry. the first thing it said was, "I spy a wanna-rexic." the comment was rather long and rude, basically calling me out for being a wannabe and that im just convincing myself i have an eating disorder, etc. well lets just make things clear: nowhere in this blog have i ever stated that i am anorexic or disordered in any way. never have i stated that i want to be anorexic or disordered. i have never been diagnosed with anything. i do realize that anorexia is a horrible disease. my eating habits and the way i go about wanting to lose weight are all my business, and i do what i like, and this is the way i wish to be. so to this "anonymous" poster, please do not be so ignorant. you do not know me.

thirdly: DEADMAU5 WAS AMAZING!!! such a great night. waited in line with M (H didnt end up coming after all, lol) for about an hour an a half.. not bad at all. we got into the venue at around 4, and deadmau5 was scheduled to start at 9.30, however i did not mind waiting at all. there was 8,000 people let into the venue and probably another 8,000 standing outside in hopes of being let in. the show was fantastic, he really tore it up! sported a cool canadian hockey jersey and everything. definitely would love to see him again. ended up getting soo close to him too! the mosh pit was extreme.. got seperated from M almost immediately, and it was quite a task not to get trampled. but i managed to keep my head up, get some great pics/vids and enjoy the show.

lastly: i have not mentioned any of the eating/not eating/calories etc in this post because any track i may have been on, as the title states, is now completely wrecked. since my stupid binge on thursday night, i've had a hard time getting back into the swing of things. tomorrow is monday, so a fresh start for everything. i have not weighed myself since friday morning, but i know i have gained; my stomach is bloated and i can feel the weight on my body. i do not feel well at all. tomorrow, everything will start over new.

hope you all are well!
stay strong.

s. xo

Friday, February 19, 2010

ugh a lousy ending to my fast

hey ladies...
well yesterday was both amazing and horrible. let me start you off with the amazing bit.

H and i went downtown to soak up some of the olympic festivities, so we got up bright and early, hopped on the train and got there at about 10. it was an absolutely gorgeous day, the sky was bright blue, not a cloud in sight, the view of the mountains was crisp and it wasnt too hot or too cold. we wandered about for a few hours taking in the sights, the neat displays, and taking loads of pictures (pretty much all of which i looked fat in btw). we stopped off at starbucks when we first got there and i got my vanilla rooibos tea (0 cal, and i sipped on that to keep my stomach from screaming at me. i was feeling pretty weak at this point, wandering around a big city for 4 hours on a (3 day) empty stomach will do that to you lol.

anyway our day was lovely, it was pretty much perfect. around 3 oclock, H announces that he is hungry and wants to go to red robin. i know this fast was supposed to last three days, but at this point i wasnt feeling too well. i have a "safe" food at red robin, so i agreed to go. we went and i ordered the apple chicken salad (with no candied nuts, no dressing, 316 cals). it was a light meal and filled me right up. i planned to stay at 316 for the day, and i did, right up until i got to work.

remember how i was telling you guys that deadmau5, my favourite dj, is putting on a free show tonight? well theres going to be like 15,000+ people trying to fit into an 8000 person venue for this show, so people are going downtown to line up super early. anyway H doesnt get off work until 4, and even though the show is at 9, thats still too late to go try and get a spot in the line (it takes about an hour to get downtown from where i live, and on top of that he would have to shower, get ready etc so we wouldnt likely get down there til around 6). he knew over a month ago about the show, and that he would be getting off work at that time, yet he failed to book the day off or get an earlier shift or anything like that. anyway we were planning to go down with my girlfriend M, who also wanted to get down there as early as possible. so i told H sorry, we cant really wait that long for you to get off work, because we wont be able to get into the show, soo unfortunately it looks like you wont be able to come. here is where the horrible bit of my day starts.

let me just say, H is a bit of a drama queen. he is sensitive and overreacting, and can be a bit of a baby sometimes. not to talk him down, he is an amazing guy, but ... sometimes i just want to strangle him. so here we go, i get this big speech about how "its a slap in the face" to him, "i have no regard for his feelings", "im so obsessed with this dj and dont care about H at all," etc. needless to say, a bit of a dramatic reaction to missing a concert. obviously i felt bad, i really wanted him to come and share the experience and everything, but honestly if we waited around for him we wouldnt have been able to get in anyway. so now he starts telling me he doesnt want me to go. okay, well what about M? what about the fact that we've had this plan for ages yet you failed to accomodate it? so i told him sorry, no, im going still. anyway this whole ordeal was through text message while im at work, so i was getting pretty upset. he said so much bullshit to me and i got so angry, and the first thought i had was eat. there was a mistake pizza sitting in the back, and i had walked past it a few times already simply ignoring it, but i now i walked straight up to it, grabbed four slices and went downstairs and shovelled them all down. eat to fucking spite him. now obviously me eating pizza is not a real revenge on H, but whatever, i was super pissed at the time. once i ate the pizza, i couldnt stop. i ate dry ribs, half a chicken burger, and fries. once i got off work (please close your eyes if you dont want to puke) i went right through the mcdonalds next door to my resturant and ordered myself a mcflurry. a goddamn mcflurry. so i get home, scarf it down in 3 minutes, and start ravaging all the valentines chocolate in the house.

i finally went to bed in tears, feeling like such shit. i looked at my belly, which after 2.5 days of no food, was now the size of a freaking soccer ball. i was so angry, angry at myself, angry at H, angry at the food, angry because im such a failure. i dont even want to know how many cals i consumed last night. i was going to post like i usually do to tell you guys about my day, but i just wasnt feeling it. even now, its 9am, and i already feel like a wreck. ive been looking forward to this day, to tonight, for so long, but ughh. im not happy at all.

anyway i'll probably try and keep it under 500 cals today. im drinking tonight, so i want a little something in my stomach so i dont puke and get kicked out of the place.

next week, im going to do lacie's apples and water diet for a few days. you guys wont believe it, its miraculous, but im only up to 109.5 after all last night's shit. im so tired of seeing 110 and 109, i want to get down to 105 asap.

so yeah im off to get ready for the big night tonight, hopefully a little booze and some sweet hardstyle music will help me forget about last night. hope you ladies have a great day!

stay stronger than me lol
love you guys and thanks for all the comments.

s. xo

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Fast Day 2 of 3, complete! & more about me.

hey girls!
hope you're all doing well. today was a very long day ... not going to lie, it was hard not to eat, mostly out of boredom though, not real hunger. on a good note, this morning i weighed in at 109!

i woke up pretty early (its hard to get a good sleep at all these days) and was alone so i sat downstairs and did an exercise ball video, just a light workout to get myself going. then i decided i needed to tidy the living room, so i organized all the pillows, straightened the rugs, dusted, vacuumed, and made it look perfect. then i looked over at the kitchen, and decided to clean that too. wiped all the counters, emptied the dishwasher, did the dishes that were in the sink, and tidied up the food my family had left out for me after they had eaten breakfast. i looked around at the nice clean kitchen, but the windows looked dirty... so i windexed every window downstairs. thats a lot of fucking windows.

bit tired after all this cleaning, so i come upstairs to lie down for a bit. i sit on my bed for one minute, and everything looks like a huge mess in my room. so i clean more.. put all my clothes away, dust, vacuum, straighten the sheets, organize all my makeup (that was a task lol), hang up all my jackets, and pick up all the shit off my floor and put it in the bin. after this i peeked into my bathroom... the bathroom i share with my younger brother R, so you can imagine the state of it. i moved everything off the counters and scrubbed them clean, windexed the mirror, scoured the toilet, got every speck off the shower walls and polished the tub. i cleaned my house for three hours straight today.

SO. you might be thinking im a bit crazy at this point, but there is something i have not yet shared with you ladies: i have obsessive compulsive disorder. its not like super severe or anything, but this major "cleaning/organizing binge" is a classic example. i am a freak about things being in their rightful place... its so hard to explain. its not that im a neat freak, i just dont like when things are too close together, or too far apart, or at a weird angle from each other, etc. also i need things in stacks to be even. my boss thinks im pretty much psycho, because at work im always re-arranging the stacks of cups or take out boxes, making sure they are the exact same height. the list goes on forever, but you get the idea. it is a pretty big influence on how i go about my day, always making sure everything is in its place.. oh here's another one for you: when adjusting volume on the tv or the radio, the volume number always has to be a multiple of five. 10, 15, 20, etc. if its anything but that, 13, 17, 22, etc. it must be fixed immediately. or i get really anxious and cant stop thinking about it. H loves to torture me when we are driving, he'll try to move the dial without me noticing!

anyway sorry this got kind of long, im sure you all already knew what OCD was lol. something else though that stems from my OCD: i also have trichotillomania. basically, i pull out my hair subconsciously. one strand at a time. i also compulsively pluck and shave. if there is a hair i missed while plucking/shaving and im out in public sans tweezers or razor, i will pull at the stubble with my fingernails.. this often results in broken skin and broken nails =( the whole deal is bad, but the hair pulling from my head is the worst. it gets really bad when im stressed. half the time i dont even realize im doing it. H sometimes makes me sit on my hands when we go out to the movies or anywhere else that my hands arent preoccupied. im scared to be bald =( if you would like to know any more about trichotillomania, read up on it here:

so yeah thats a bit more about me (however boring lol). i've made myself a cup of tea to ease my stomach, been having some very unpleasant aches and pains... not really hunger pangs, more just pain pangs lol. anyway going to drink my tea and catch up on your blogs!

keep up the great work ladies, and thanks for all the comments you guys leave me, they really brighten my day!!!

lots of love,
s. xo

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Fast Day 1 of 3, complete!

a good day today! god sometimes i feel as if my life is one big obstacle course... dodging meals all the time lol.

i got a lot done today! i got up at 7.30, showered, and cleaned my room. at 9.30, i walked 45 minutes to H's house, where i managed to avoid eating for the whole time! a miracle lol. we hung out til about 3, and i went and picked up my brother from school. my brother, R, is 16, you can imagine he eats loads.. typical growing teen boy haha. anyway he wanted to go to tim hortons, so we go and again i am able to resist! im such a sucker for their sandwiches, i thought i was going to cave when i caught scent of them, but then i remembered you girls and i stayed strong =)

came home and left for work without seeing my mom, so dinner was easily skipped. and work was simple, all i had to do was actually look at how the food is stored and prepped! thats enough to turn my appetite right off. gross but effective!

anyway now i am laying in bed, ready to fall asleep on an empty stomach, and wake up to an even emptier one. im going to be home alone all day tomorrow and then work at 5, so the fast shall continue. im steadily drinking lemon water, ive peed like 50 times today lol, im already starting to feel much emptier and cleaner.

something kinda funny, ive never heard of pancake day before, and now im reading all your blogs and several of you mention it. when i got home from work, my mom was in bed, and she was like "oh theres pancakes in the fridge if you're hungry, we made them for pancake day." like wtf is this pancake day ive never heard of before? i know it has to do with lent, other than that im clueless lol. however, i do hear those pancakes calling my name =( maybe i will make some as a treat for myself on the weekend. only if i complete the fast though!

another hello to all the new members of my little band of followers =) its nice to get in touch with all of you! just a side note, if anyone would like a text or email/msn buddy or anything like that for support and such, let me know! i realize many of you are located in the states or the uk, but im sure if we wanted to we could figure something out.

anyway darlings stay strong and think thin!! we will reach our goals if we can hold our focus.

much love,
s. xo

Monday, February 15, 2010

Vanilla Rooibos Tea...

... is delicious! and 0 cals! my new favourite thing from starbucks. i once again found myself dragged there by a friend today, and anyone whos ever met me knows its basically an obsession of mine lol.. so it appears suspicious if we go and i dont get anything. anyway this tea is super good, i find it a bit more enjoyable with a packet or two of splenda =) plus its cheap too, the venti size is like $2.50 !

today was alright... i had a cup and a half of berries (120 cals) and half a peanut butter sandwich with banana (225 cals), my VR tea from starbucks (0 cals) and unfortunately did a little too much snacking on my valentines day chocolate from H ... four pieces (300 cals .. yikes). so my total for today is 645. not bad, could be better.

i feel so.. dirty inside. like everything i consume is polluting me. its hard to explain, but im sure a few of you know what im talking about. so in an attempt to cleanse myself im going to do a three day water fast (tuesday, wednesday and thursday). i'll break the fast on friday morning with a small bowl of oatmeal with berries. this just feels necessary right now, plus im like already plateauing at 110, i've been stuck here for a few days now!

my mom caught me weighing myself yesterday. she seemed a bit concerned.. i just told her i was curious about my weight, as i hadnt weighed myself in a long time. she bought it. ive been bugging her to buy us a new scale, ours is ancient, i'll either be really disappointed or really pleased when we buy a new one; i know its not accurate right now. hopefully its telling me im heavier than i actually am instead of the other way around!

im supposed to go to a free concert on friday, one of my favourite DJs, deadmau5, is playing a show downtown! its going to be madness. they are expecting upwards of 15,000 people to show up to this event! im beyond excited! hopefully the rain holds off, as its going to be in a park outdoors. but whatever even if it rains, i'll just wear my wellies and a raincoat! gotta get my mau5 fix! anyone who likes house/electro style music should definitely check out his mixes, they will blow your mind.

anyway dolls i hope you all had a lovely day. wish me luck with the fast!

starve on,

happy valentines

hey girls, hope you all had a nice valentines day yesterday!

it was a great day! H totally spoiled me. he got me the most adorable white teddy bear, and it talks! lol so cute, if you speak to it, it'll respond with stuff like "aw, i love you too!" or "give me a hug", its so sweet. he also gave me this MASSIVE heart filled with fancy chocolate. since they are 75 cals apiece, i will have one chocolate on my good days as a reward to myself =)

so we started our day off going to one of the fancier shopping district in our area. H bought me two jackets, a pair of sunglasses, and a dress (told you he spoils me lol). he of course wanted to stop for a snack so we went to orange julius, he got a drink and i just had a small sip of his smoothie. after that we jumped on the train and went downtown. everything is all decorated and lovely for the olympics.. what we really wanted to see what the olympic cauldron with the flame, but for some reason they had a huge 10-foot high fence around it, so the closest you could get was 500 feet away =( it was still neat to see though. in other olympic news, canada won its first gold medal yesterday!! quite exciting.

anyway after downtown we came back and went to white spot for dinner. they dont list any nutritional info ANYWHERE (wtf?) but i had a santorini chicken salad, so hopefully that didnt do too much damage. im still 110 this morning, so i guess it was alright lol. after dinner we went back to his house, and he gave me a lovely massage and all that. it was a great day =) i love him so much, i am so lucky to have a guy like him in my life.

so yeah it was a good day overall in terms of food as well, all i had was the salad at white spot (??? cals), one chocolate from my heart from H (75 cals) and a vanilla rooibos tea from starbucks (0 cals!). if anyone knows where i can possibly find info for white spot, please share your knowledge!

i am home alone til about 3.30 today, so lots of time for exercise and not eating =)

i will post more later on, have a great day ladies! i will leave you with some love from my adorable bear =)

s. xo

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Fast complete .. kind of

okay so! as i mentioned before, thursday was the perfect fast day, i consumed no food whatsoever and the only calories i got were liquid: a 90 cal skinny vanilla latte. yesterday was going great as well. i managed to miss breakfast and lunch, and i got out of eating mcdonalds with H as i told him i had eaten subway just before i picked him up. he bought it, so he ate alone.

honestly, i worry about H sometimes. its not like he's obese or anything, but he's got a pretty big belly going on.. all he really eats is restaurant food or delivered pizza, or mcdonalds or a&w or other brutal fast food. when im with him i try to convince him to eat healthier, but that really only lasts for a day or two. his excuse will be, "oh i havnt had mcdonalds yet this week, one big mac isnt going to kill me!" i know one wont kill you darling, but the dozen you've already eaten this month do start to add up. i worry about his health. he never exercises, and the only real workouts he gets is work (he works in a hardware store, so lots of heavy lifting, moving things around, lots of walking) and sex lol. i tried to bring it up with him yesterday after he had eaten the mcdonalds he insisted on getting, but he got all sore with me and changed the subject. i love him so much girls, i dont want to see him get sick or have his life cut short because of the stupid eating habits he had as a teenager. what can i do to better convince him to eat healthy without hurting his feelings?

anyway back to yesterday. it was all great until about 8.30, when H's mom orders pizza. now ive been with H for a few hours now so he knows i havnt eaten, and i didnt want to be rude to H's mom (she is the sweetest thing ever), so i had 2 pieces. it was pizza hut veggie lovers pizza (210 cals a slice), so it wasnt as bad as it could have been. i thought okay, its basically the end of my fast anyway. after that i planned not to eat anymore for the night, and nothing else today until dinner tonight. but then about an hour later, H's brother P walks in with mcdonalds sundaes for us... OMG mcdonalds will not leave me alone. i cant really say no to that either, since he bought it for me and sat with us to eat them. so that was 350 cals. bringing my daily total to 770 cals. not too bad, but definitely not what i was aiming for.

good news though; this morning, i am back down to 110!

tonight, H and i are going out to eat (sigh). we are going to Montanas Steakhouse. thankfully they have a menu and nutritional info online, so i already know what im having, the feta greek salad (only 200 cals!). i always have water with dinner, so no worries about that. if H insists on getting a starter, ill not have any and say im saving myself for my meal. anyway that 200 cals will be ALL i eat today.

did any of you watch the opening ceremonies for the olympics last night? i thought they were pretty good.. its more exciting that all this is happening 45 minutes from my house!! i am going downtown tomorrow with H, i want to see the olympic torch and the athletes villages and all that. pics to come!

hello to my new followers! glad to see you've taken an interest in me =) hopefully we can support each other and help each other along.

anyway i hope you all have a good day today, stay strong and starve on.

s. xo

Thursday, February 11, 2010


hello girls! hope you all had nice days. i sure did!

to make up for my disgusting binge yesterday, (unfortunately i gained 2 lbs - weighed 111 again this morning) i decided to fast through today and tomorrow. today went really well! didnt eat a single thing, drank lots of water, and the only cals i consumed were from a skinny vanilla latte (90 cals). which is not bad at all, considering i just ran around at work for 5.5 hours, and also got some exercise with the boyfriend earlier ;) so all in all a successful day.

starting tomorrow, i have two weeks off school. they are calling it an "olympic break" lol, but basically its our spring break. this means the only real commitments i will have for two weeks are work, and the odd thing or two with certain people, so i will be utilizing this time to get in as much exercise as possible!

also, i need your help ladies! what should i get H for valentines day? we've been together almost a year now, so im willing to get him something nice lol. i was thinking maybe cologne and a nice leather belt or something, he isnt really one for chocolate and sweets. let me know if you have any ideas =)

anyway i now plan to get at least 10 hours of sleep, im too tired to even type anymore. and oh how it feels nice to get to bed on an empty stomach ;)

stay strong girls,
s. xo


gotta keep this short... i binged big time today. like, over 2000 cals worth of cookies, munchie mix, sugar and crap. =(

on the plus side, when i weighed myself this morning i was 109! we'll see how long that sticks around after today's horrendous ordeal.

fast tomorrow and friday!

i hope you are all doing well! and wow, 17 followers! never would have thought i was that interesting lol. i'll post more tomorrow night, i have a busy ass day ahead of me.

starve on lovelies,
s. xo

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


... no, i didnt binge on them, i baked them! and i didnt have a single taste of the batter as i was doing so. since today is a fast day i had to keep myself busy, and i've always loved to bake. i thought it might be kind of risky since cookie dough is so damn tasty and it would be right in front of my face and all over my hands. but i resisted! they smell so good but it kind of helped me not want them as i watched all the fatty margarine and sugar and crap go into them. technically they are "healthy" cookies (only 155 cals each) so maybe tomorrow i will allow myself one as a treat. while sticking to less than 300 cals, of course!

so, good news! this morning i weighed in at 110 lbs. im stoked that this weight is coming off so easily, but i know that only means i'll hit my plateau sooner, something im not looking forward to at all. any tips for beating plateaus that you guys have reached?

i did well yesterday too, sticking to less than 400 cals. for a snack after school i had a quarter of a bag of heartsmart popcorn (80 cals) and for dinner i had a 6 inch turkey breast subway, with cucumbers, olives, lettuce and tomatoes on 9-grain wheat bread (only 280 cals!). so i in fact stayed below 400, with a total of 360. =)

anyway my dear followers, i hope you are all doing well. i want to thank each of you again for the support and love you guys are giving. it really means a lot to me! it makes me so proud when i read your blog updates and see that you have had good, strong days, and it makes me even prouder to see that if you have had a bad day, that you're strong enough to pick yourselves up and get right back on the wagon. you are all inspirations!!

love, love, love
s. xo

Monday, February 8, 2010

A new week

hey darlings
so yesterday went well! in the morning as planned i had my oatmeal, and then after that all i had were a few bites of salad around 6 o'clock. so i definitely stayed around 300 cals =) aaand this morning, i weighed in at 111.5 lbs. yay.

work wasnt very busy but still it kept me moving around, which is good. i stuck to my water with lemon for the day. the kitchen made up a little dessert plate for us to nibble on ... chocolate cake, apple pastry, mocha cream cake and vanilla ice cream, topped up with chocolate and caramel drizzles ... but i resisted! it kind of grossed me out actually, i stood and watched the other staff stand there and stuff their faces like pigs. meanwhile i felt rather good about myself lol.

anyway a new week is upon us. i am restricting to 400 cals today, as i will probably be forced to eat dinner tonight with the fam. i am going to fast tomorrow, 300 cals on wednesday, fast on thursday, 300 cals on friday, 300 cals on saturday, 500 cals on sunday. i know this seems like a fat weekend but as it is valentines day on sunday i know H will be taking me to a nice restaurant, so even if its just a salad, i'll have to eat.. im going to try and keep my cals as low as possible on friday and saturday.

so this is my plan for the week! hope you girls are all doing well.

tonight the olympic torch is supposed to run right past my house! its sort of exciting, but at the same time it doesnt really seem like a big deal lol. the games start in 5 days or so, so my city will be getting super crazy for the next few weeks. im looking forward to it!

starve on,
s. xo

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Phew ...

thank you ladies for all your comments.. they really reassure me and make me feel a bit better when i fuck up lol. it is much appreciated =)

so i fasted all day yesterday as planned and then broke with dinner with the fam. i thought we would be going out so i just planned to order a salad, but instead we stayed in and my mom made chili. i had just a small bit, probably a cup and a half (gonna say 450 cals) and then because i was forced, a small slice of garlic toast (100 cals).

i planned for that to be all i ate yesterday, i was aiming for less than 500 but 550 was okay. so off we all go to the hockey game, and i did well resisting hot dogs and pop and all that =) but i caved a bit and had a few handfuls of popcorn (70 cals). i was a bit disappointed with myself but whatever, i thought, i'll just make up for it tomorrow.

we get home, H and i relax and watch some tv, the fam goes to bed. around 11:30 he comments that he is hungry. now you should all know, H is kind of a big guy. not like super fat or anything lol but he's about 6'3" tall and around 200 lbs. he's mostly muscle but has a bit of a belly haha, either way the point im making is he likes to eat A LOT. so he says, lets go through mcdonalds. and im like no, if we're gonna eat at least lets have something healthy. anyway i dont know what happened but we ended up at the drive through and i got two cheeseburgers (600 cals) and had a few of his fries (100 cals). im SO choked at myself for caving.. like ugh i was doing so well.

anyway all that adds my daily cal count to 1320 cals. and this morning, i am only up .5, back to 112.5 lbs. hmm.

my plan today is to drink water like crazy, hopefuly flush some of that nasty crap out, fast all up until dinner, H and i are going out to a restaurant and i have already looked online at their nutritional value and will be having an apple harvest chicken salad, minus the candied walnuts and with no dressing (316 cals). then NO MORE FOOD AFTER THAT. seriously.

i work 12-8 on sunday, so i will have a small bowl of oatmeal (160 cals) before i go to work to keep me from snacking while i'm there, and then i think that will be all. i'm still aiming for my goal of 106 by march 8 (hopefully i'll be less by then!), so im gonna try my hardest. no more mcdonalds!!!

keep up the good work ladies
and thank you darlings so much for your comments
they mean a lot =)

s. xo

Fail fail fail

just binged on mcdonalds and popcorn
pretty sure i gained 5 lbs
was 112 this morning... will probably be right back up to 116 tomorrow.


Thursday, February 4, 2010

So tired

hey girls!
im super sleepy so this will be a short post. i managed to fast all day today! i consumed only water. i am going to fast all day tomorrow as well i think, and tomorrow night my family and my boyfriend and i are all going out to a hockey game. which likely means we will go out for dinner, so i will break my fast then. dont worry, i'll be good! i'll stick to salad and veggies for sure.

a bonus for today, work was SOOOO busy, i basically was speedwalking for 5 hours straight, no joke. so i got a lot of exercise!

hope you ladies all had a good day
stay strong

s. xo

112.5 !

hey ladies! i have some good news.
it seems that even after all that fat i consumed yesterday, i have still dropped to 112.5 lbs =)

thank you for all your lovely comments! they are really supportive and i appreciate them all. im sure that .the.meaning.of.a-na-me. was right in her comment on my last post.. all the calories out of nowhere probably shocked my metabolism into working a bit harder. if that is the case, then alright!

this is going to be a short post, i've got a whole short story to write before 2:00 rolls around! hope you all have a nice day, i'll post more after work.

think thin girls!
s. xo

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Horrible day ...

so today was, as the title states, a rather horrible day.
i started off the morning with a small bowl of low-fat oatmeal (160 cals). that was nice as it got my metabolism going for the day and it kept me full throughout the morning. now that was all i was planning on eating today, maybe a small vegetable snack after work, but sadly my mother foiled this plan.

she arrived home an hour before i was supposed to go to work, so she starts making food. i told her i was just going to eat at work, but she was like no no ive already started making you something. so i start thinking of how i can avoid this meal but there really wasnt any way around it. you are all going to cry when i tell you what she made me...


at a lovely 210 cals apiece, she sat there and made me eat 4 of them while she watched. FOUR?! seriously mom like i get you want me to eat but i dont get why you want me to be obese.. you basically just force-fed me 840 cals, fucking EW. so right after dinner i ran upstairs and did the gross thing, tried to purge them, but i've always been the worst at making myself throw up; i just couldnt. so off to work i went, with a fat ass potbelly.

im so choked =( today was supposed to be under 300 cals.. and im probably over 1000 now. fuck. well i'll be fasting tomorrow, thats for sure.

on top of all that, today was a longggg day. i had a geography class from 8am til 12pm, and then i had my criminology midterm right away after that which took 2 hours, and then by the time i got home i had enough time to have a 15 minute nap (and scarf down 29384720873 calories) before racing off to work and now at 11pm i am finally home. and now i have a lovely bunch of homework to do for tomomorrow.

anyway i hope you lovelies all had a better day than i did. stay strong girls, keep thinking thin!

s. xo

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


ladies, i am rather proud of myself!
i managed a successful fast today; it was kinda hard though. in the afternooon i went to pick up my little brother from school, and whenever i pick him up he always asks to go through mcdonalds. now i am the biggest sucker for their cheeseburgers and fries (eww) but today i was strong! i obviously didnt order anything, and i declined every single french fry offered to me by my brother. all i had to do was think of the calories and the fat that would be sticking to my already huge thighs and belly.. yuck.

all i had at work tonight was lemon water, not even coffee. im feeling pretty sleepy and irritable but im sure it will pass.

i plan to eat dinner with my family tomorrow but im aiming to keep it around no more than 500 cals. after that im not sure what my plan will be for the rest of the week but i will decide that tomorrow!

gotta get up real early for midterms so i should get to bed. hope you darlings all had good days today.

s. xo

113.5 !

my weight today: 113.5!
even after eating yesterday. hopefully my scale isnt tricking me.. its pretty old. i'll have to get my mom to buy a new one soon, preferrably a digital one. that way i can know for sure exactly how well/badly im doing!

i am resuming my fast today (water and coffee only). it will be easy enough not to eat, because i'll be home alone all day up til 4:30. my mom will offer me a snack before work, and i'll just tell her i've already eaten, and then when i get home from work and she offers me dinner i'll just tell her i've eaten at work! thats definitely an upside of working in a restaurant, its so easy to say i've had a meal of two and there will be no suspicion at all.

as some of you may know, the 2010 olympics are coming to my hometown this year. its pretty exicting, downtown is all decorated and dressed up and there is so much buzz around the city, everyone is counting down the days! i was downtown a few weeks ago, and it all looks quite lovely, theres great big posters hanging up on all the skyscrapers and olympics paraphenalia everywhere you look. many people are rather irritated with it at this point, before its even started lol, but i figure why not embrace it. it will be good for our city =)

anyway im off to do some exercise, ill post more later. keep thinking thin girls!

s. xo

Monday, February 1, 2010

Ugh monday...

first of all hello to all my new followers!! thanks for all your comments girls, it means a lot to know that we're all in the same boat.

soo today was going great until dinnertime =(
all day i just had water and more water. i go to university so there is not really anyone watching to see if i'll eat, so it was easy to fast during the day. after school, i went to H's (my boyfriend) house. Now... he suggested we go out to dinner. i kept saying no no no lets see a movie or something else, but he was insistant on dinner. so off we go to the restaurant, and after a measly 10 hours, my fast was broken. =(

you will be happy to know however that i somewhat controlled myself lol. i was soo tempted by the turkey club sandwich, those are one of my all time favourite foods, BUT i ordered the baby spinach salad (251 cals) and had only half a roll (no butter, 50 cals), and drank only water with lemon.

so 301 cals, not too bad. but still unacceptable. the fast will resume tomorrow!

also i didnt manage to get any workout today unfortunately, being as i was at school from 10-4 and then went straight out with H. but tomorrow i have no school and dont work until 5, so im planning to work out from 10-2, doing various things like running, using our stationary bike, and some yoga. so i'll burn away tonights dinner in no time.

hope all you ladies are doing well!
stay strong,
s. xo

Sunday, January 31, 2010


my vice.
i know so many of the drinks are super high fat/calorie, not to mention stupidly overpriced.. yet i cant get enough of it! i have one pretty much everyday, or at least four or five times a week..
yuck, i know.

i do try to get the drinks to be somewhat healthy (non-fat, no whip, etc) but wouldnt it be lovely to be able to simply eliminate something that is so obviously contributing to my grotesque fat belly. but no matter how hard i try i always end up going back.. BUT as with food, this calls for extreme willpower. i am better than starbucks, i dont need it. from now on i will limit myself to one a week.

do any of you have vices like this?
and what are your favourite "healthy" starbucks treats?

work was nice and long today... super busy, so no time to eat even if i wanted to! had about three coffees with one packet of 2 cal sweetener in each, and a whole load of water with lemons. so along with the english muffin i had for breakfast, today i will have consumed... somewhere around 200-250 cals?

not bad for a restriction day =)

i plan to start my fast tomorrow. water and coffee only, until wednesday! wish me luck!

s. xo

Long day ahead..

my weight is now 115.. down an lb ! =)

today i will be working 12-8, so that is a good excuse for me not to eat (or eat very minimally) all day. nobody will be watching me too closely so nothing will appear suspicious! i will allow myself water and coffee for while im at work.

i am restricting to 300 cals.

i want to fast this week starting monday (tomorrow).
it is the start of a new month so its a fresh start for me as well
if i can hold the fast until wednesday, ill see how i feel and maybe extend it to friday. ill be drinking loads of water, and coffee if i need to. wish me luck with this!

i dont really care for my job, but i do appreciate that its quite strenuous and very active. i work in a restaurant, so i am constantly running around, with very little rest. great for burning cals and getting exercise! the only downside is that of course, everywhere i look, there is food. and its good food. i have to try soo hard not to pig out everytime there is food for the staff.. the kitchen always gives us treats like chocolate cake and deep fried squid and french fries and UGH everything there is so unhealthy.

then again, i get a lot of my reverse thinspo at my workplace. countless fat/obese people come in everyday and gorge themselves on pizza, woks, ribs, wings, etc. just shovelling it down. watching it makes me sick.

so as long as i can resist all the delicious food around me, i should be okay for today.

think thin!
s. xo

Saturday, January 30, 2010


last night was great with my girls
drank way too much though
didnt get to sleep until about 7am
and im definitely feeling it now lol

managed to avoid eating too much at grandmas
she always makes stew of some kind
this one had pork and beef and potatoes etc.
i nibbled on it a bit and managed to make it look like i had a decent sized helping.

my weight today remains at 116.
im surprised it didnt go up after all the eating and drinking that took place last night
not that im complaining !

off to the boyfriend's house now
we are likely going out to dinner..
looks like it will be salad for me again lol

s. xo

Friday, January 29, 2010

Good morningggg

this morning my weight is 116 lbs.
yuck yuck yuck.

the first goal i am setting is
106 lbs by march 8th.
think i can do it?

for anyone who hasnt seen it already,
i totally recommend
its great, really detailed and helpful for losing weight!

today i might be going to look at cars with my boyfriend
(we'll call him H)
and then later tonight im going to party with my girls
so it should be a fun day !

tomorrow i am going my grandma's house with the fam for brunch
hopefully i can use a hangover as an excuse not to eat loads
my grandma is defs the type to put 4 helpings of everything on your plate
and then pester you to have seconds and thirds and desert and everything
gonna have to up my willpower
cause she makes some damn tasty food
but i'll be strong !

s. xo

Thursday, January 28, 2010


hello fellow bloggers.
let me begin by introducing myself
i am samantha, im 18 and i have pretty bad issues with weight and food
thats mostly what this blog is gonna be about i guess
that and my other random life happenings
soo read if you're interested, comment if you care enough
or ignore it all together lol.

im a generally happy person
i have great friends and a lovely bf
a good family and good home and all that
but one thing i have never been happy with is my body.
in fact, im more than unhappy with it.
i hate it.

maybe in some future posts ill post pics
but not right now, im too much of a cow
i dont wanna gross anyone out.

im definitely not obese or anything
just way too large for my liking.
so as i embark on this journey to maybe find some happiness
lose some (lots of) weight and not look like a whale
your thoughts, comments, criticisms and support is much appreciated.

i already keep up with a few blogs about weight and ED and ana etc.
i guess thats what inspired me to start my own
so here goes !

s. xo