so sorry for being MIA for a few days.. i havnt really been busy, just not found time to update!
soo fasting yesterday and today didnt exactly happen, but i did manage to keep under 500 cals for both days. so im going to stick to what i originally planned, under 500 cals for friday, saturday and sunday as well. i dont really feel any better.. i've not weighed myself so im assuming i've gained/stayed the same. blah. i think im going to wait til monday morning to weigh myself again.
i had a nice little fight with myself today. standing in front of the mirror. i look so fat and i cried and cussed myself out for being so weak. do i want to look like a huge fucking cow? no? then why do i continue to shovel food down my throat? dont i want to be thin and beautiful? well i wont get there by eating plate after plate of crap! i cried and cried. all this takes such an emotional toll. i've been such a bitch lately, to H and to my family. my temper has been very short, and i find myself always grumpy and tired.
i have been having absolutely the worst sleeps lately. a little tidbit for you ladies: im into some rough sports, so naturally, injuries are not unexpected. unfortunately, i have a bad back as it is; always sore, always aching, you know how it is. anyway, around christmas time, i guess i did something to trigger a pre-existing back injury. i slipped a disk in my spine, which is now pinching my sciatic nerve. at first the pain in my lower back was unbearable, i couldnt walk for days. but even worse, was the pain radiating down into my left thigh. its awful. i dont mean to sound like a pussy, but seriously i have never been in such pain before. i went to the doctor and he diagnosed the slipped disk. i got xrays and ct scans, the whole deal. i was prescribed physiotheraphy (which for some fucking reason i still havnt started). anyway that was about two months ago. the pain in my back comes and goes as it always has, but the pain in my thigh is still there. just imagine, someone stabbing you over and over with a dull knife, slowly and deliberately. its quite unpleasant. i bring this up because it has basically prevented me from sleeping a full night; the most painful position for me to be in, is lying down. so this, paired with the insomnia i already suffered from, paired with the fatigue and crankiness from lack of nutrients, paired with the lingering cough i simply cannot shake, is just making me a bit of a pain to be around. i feel bad, im trying so hard not to take it out on others.. but it just seems they are suddenly so much more irritating! =(
anyway. i have decided its time to start taking a multivitamin. i have settled on centrum forte. ive heard good reviews, do any of you ladies take this particular vitamin? or can anyone suggest a better one? im hoping it will help me sleep a bit better, maybe make my skin a bit less dull as well. i have also decided that tomorrow i will be off to the shop to buy some crystal light powder for my water. try as i might, i cannot bring myself to keep drinking plain water. or water with lemon. i am so sick of it altogether, but i know that water is key, so maybe by adding a little something more fun to it, i'll be more keen on consuming more!
tomorrow is P's birthday (H's older brother). i believe we are going out to an indian restaurant.. im not really a fan of indian (except the naan bread... always been a sucker for the naan bread lol) so ill try my best to just stick to the veggies. im sure H will be putting a bit of everything on my plate, but ill do my best to control myself!
also: just a quick little question for you girls. i am really into piercings and tattoos, etc. i have decided i will reward myself with my first tattoo (a french quote, on my left side) when i reach 100 lbs. as for piercings, i have 13... four in each earlobe, two in my right ear cartilage, one in my left ear rook, one in my bellybutton and one beneath my tongue. anyone who's ever been pierced more than once can say it can become a bit addicting lol... anyway, i've really been wanting a new one to add to my collection! have you ladies got any suggestions? id rather stay away from lip/nose/eyebrow.. anything else, im game to hear your opinions =)
have a great weekend girls, help me be strong and i'll be thinking of all of you!!