Thursday, February 25, 2010

better days

hey friends
so sorry for being MIA for a few days.. i havnt really been busy, just not found time to update!
soo fasting yesterday and today didnt exactly happen, but i did manage to keep under 500 cals for both days. so im going to stick to what i originally planned, under 500 cals for friday, saturday and sunday as well. i dont really feel any better.. i've not weighed myself so im assuming i've gained/stayed the same. blah. i think im going to wait til monday morning to weigh myself again.

i had a nice little fight with myself today. standing in front of the mirror. i look so fat and i cried and cussed myself out for being so weak. do i want to look like a huge fucking cow? no? then why do i continue to shovel food down my throat? dont i want to be thin and beautiful? well i wont get there by eating plate after plate of crap! i cried and cried. all this takes such an emotional toll. i've been such a bitch lately, to H and to my family. my temper has been very short, and i find myself always grumpy and tired.

i have been having absolutely the worst sleeps lately. a little tidbit for you ladies: im into some rough sports, so naturally, injuries are not unexpected. unfortunately, i have a bad back as it is; always sore, always aching, you know how it is. anyway, around christmas time, i guess i did something to trigger a pre-existing back injury. i slipped a disk in my spine, which is now pinching my sciatic nerve. at first the pain in my lower back was unbearable, i couldnt walk for days. but even worse, was the pain radiating down into my left thigh. its awful. i dont mean to sound like a pussy, but seriously i have never been in such pain before. i went to the doctor and he diagnosed the slipped disk. i got xrays and ct scans, the whole deal. i was prescribed physiotheraphy (which for some fucking reason i still havnt started). anyway that was about two months ago. the pain in my back comes and goes as it always has, but the pain in my thigh is still there. just imagine, someone stabbing you over and over with a dull knife, slowly and deliberately. its quite unpleasant. i bring this up because it has basically prevented me from sleeping a full night; the most painful position for me to be in, is lying down. so this, paired with the insomnia i already suffered from, paired with the fatigue and crankiness from lack of nutrients, paired with the lingering cough i simply cannot shake, is just making me a bit of a pain to be around. i feel bad, im trying so hard not to take it out on others.. but it just seems they are suddenly so much more irritating! =(

anyway. i have decided its time to start taking a multivitamin. i have settled on centrum forte. ive heard good reviews, do any of you ladies take this particular vitamin? or can anyone suggest a better one? im hoping it will help me sleep a bit better, maybe make my skin a bit less dull as well. i have also decided that tomorrow i will be off to the shop to buy some crystal light powder for my water. try as i might, i cannot bring myself to keep drinking plain water. or water with lemon. i am so sick of it altogether, but i know that water is key, so maybe by adding a little something more fun to it, i'll be more keen on consuming more!

tomorrow is P's birthday (H's older brother). i believe we are going out to an indian restaurant.. im not really a fan of indian (except the naan bread... always been a sucker for the naan bread lol) so ill try my best to just stick to the veggies. im sure H will be putting a bit of everything on my plate, but ill do my best to control myself!

also: just a quick little question for you girls. i am really into piercings and tattoos, etc. i have decided i will reward myself with my first tattoo (a french quote, on my left side) when i reach 100 lbs. as for piercings, i have 13... four in each earlobe, two in my right ear cartilage, one in my left ear rook, one in my bellybutton and one beneath my tongue. anyone who's ever been pierced more than once can say it can become a bit addicting lol... anyway, i've really been wanting a new one to add to my collection! have you ladies got any suggestions? id rather stay away from lip/nose/eyebrow.. anything else, im game to hear your opinions =)

have a great weekend girls, help me be strong and i'll be thinking of all of you!!

s. xo


  1. oooh i love tattoos! I am getting one that says BULLETPROOF as soon as i can.
    oh my god that music just scared the shit out of me

  2. my advice on multi vitamins is dont take to many you might think it would be beneficial but its not to much vitamin a stops calcium absorbtion and all of us here really need to watch out bones

    if i were old enough a tattoo would be my reward i guess its an icentive for me to stay skinny :) what about stretching the earlobe piercing so you can wear tunnels and stuff ?


  3. Ouch, I'm sorry about the injuries, they don't sound fun. I don't have any suggestions for piercings because you've named all the ones I know (pretty embarrassed to say that!), hope you find one you like though, hope you have a good weekend too, will be thinking of you, xo

  4. The injuries sound horrible :( Hopefully the physio will help you out there eventually!
    I take Sanatogen A-Z. They have everything in, and you only have to take one a day. I think they're what kept me the last push away from getting Swine Flu last year when my brother had it, and my mum was ill.
    I've been feeling really tired lately, too, but I can't seem to get to sleep when I go to bed early.
    I love piercings and tattoos! I had my lip pierced, but got bored of it, so took it out, and now I have a permanant tiny indent there. I wouldn't recommend it. I'm currently stretching my left ear, which I have done previously but let close up before.
    Recently I've been speaking quite a lot to a guy (who is gorgeous!) who's a tattooist. He said he'd give me a free tat! I know what I'm getting, but I'd love to get something like "fragile" on my hip if I could lose enough!

    Sorry for such a long comment! :S
    Good luck with the weekend! :D

  5. I take whole food vitamins. They are huge and smelly. But give me tons of energy.
    What french phrase are you getting?
    I have a couple horizontal barbells on the back of my neck. I have very long hair, so it is annoying when it sometimes gets caught up in it. Otherwise they look very cool.

    xoxo zen

  6. I take adult gummy vitamins! They cost you about 10 calories, but on the plus side there is no need to eat anything with them to keep your stomach from getting upset.