hey guys, sorry for disappearing. long story short, my boyfriend found my blog and i kind of freaked out because there was a lot of personal and private things in it, so it turned me off of posting. i have missed you all very much though, and i have some pretty horrible news.
in the two months that i have been gone,
i have gained
15 pounds.
yup. i now weigh 125 lbs.
my body is ruined. i dont know what came over me.. without the support of this blog and all to keep myself on track, i've lost control completely. i just eat. i put anything and everything in my mouth without thinking. its disgusting. my stomach is huge and bloated all the time, my thighs have expanded, even my fucking arms and back are flabby now. my face too.. i feel so ugly.
i just cant stay away from here any longer.. it was you guys that kept me on track. it was so much easier for me to be good about food when i knew that i had people to come through for.. i hate being such a disappointment. a failure. a big FAT failure.
anyway. i need a new plan, something to sort me out properly. new goals and new discipline. i need to fucking focus or i am just going to keep gaining weight and becoming even more revolting. i think im going to aim for 700 cals a day, or less. lots of what i eat is just shit food, so it'll be easy enough to cut that out. 700 cals, and at least one hour of exercise a day.
not too much has happened in the two months that i've been gone, other than me turning into a nasty horrific blob. i lost my job, the restaurant closed down so everyone got let go, and i still havnt found another one. school is over, so i literally have no life other than seeing friends and such. i think the fact that i have absolutely nothing to keep me busy is contributing greatly to my weight gain. so instead of being a fucking lazy cow and sitting around and eating all day, i need to be putting this free time to good use.
i hope you all have been well.. i've been sort of keeping up with your guys' blogs, and im so proud of all of you that are achieving your goals. keep up the great work ladies, hopefully you can help motivate me to get back on track =(
stay skinny,
s. xo
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
almost the weekend ..
hey my lovely skinnies
hope you're all doing good!
not much to report over here.. been doing better with my food intake, keep it around 800 cals a day, i know i can go wayyyy lower than that, and i will do so.
went to the doctors today for allergy testing, had my arms pricked like a hundred times so they are now itchy and uncomfortable =( while my mom and i were sitting in the office waiting for the doctor to come in, she said something interesting to me.. she was like, "samantha, you look like you've lost weight." so inside of course i was like YES I LOOK SKINNIER YAYY but obviously i played dumb about it.. oh well lol even if my results are small and pathetic, they are at least a bit noticeable.
all booked up and apointment set for a vertical clitoral hood piercing tomorrow at 2:00! im super excited.. not really nervous but still. i know my tummy will get a bit jumpy once i lay down on that piercing chair.. im too stoked =)
anyway yea sorry this post is kind of all over the place, im feeling a bit.. loopy, i guess. theres just so much going on all at once right now, im getting a bit overwhelmed. i'll try and post later when i get home from work!
s.xo
hope you're all doing good!
not much to report over here.. been doing better with my food intake, keep it around 800 cals a day, i know i can go wayyyy lower than that, and i will do so.
went to the doctors today for allergy testing, had my arms pricked like a hundred times so they are now itchy and uncomfortable =( while my mom and i were sitting in the office waiting for the doctor to come in, she said something interesting to me.. she was like, "samantha, you look like you've lost weight." so inside of course i was like YES I LOOK SKINNIER YAYY but obviously i played dumb about it.. oh well lol even if my results are small and pathetic, they are at least a bit noticeable.
all booked up and apointment set for a vertical clitoral hood piercing tomorrow at 2:00! im super excited.. not really nervous but still. i know my tummy will get a bit jumpy once i lay down on that piercing chair.. im too stoked =)
anyway yea sorry this post is kind of all over the place, im feeling a bit.. loopy, i guess. theres just so much going on all at once right now, im getting a bit overwhelmed. i'll try and post later when i get home from work!
s.xo
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
fat fat fat
i am fat.
i am not in a good mood today...
this morning my mom made a huge breakfast for everyone.. scrambled eggs with salsa and bacon on english muffins.. so good but fatty =( after that my family and i went out to costco to get pictures taken for our passports (surprise surprise, i looked about 200 lbs in mine). afterwards, my dad and brother claimed to be starving so they wanted to go out for lunch. i was already ready to be done eating for the day thanks to the huge breakfast we had. but no, they were hungry so we went out.
i was at least hoping we could go somewhere where i could order a salad, but nope, we ended up going to a little burger shack place. burgers, hotdogs, milkshakes and pop only. good lord kill me now. i had a hotdog and a banana milkshake, dont even want to know the cals.
after that i went to H's house, we played some video games and i avoided eating there. i went straight to work from there at 5, so i missed dinner. didnt eat at work, and i was just on my way home when a friend who works in the kitchen called me over. he had just cooked up some new wok dish, and wanted someone to try it. he said "you look hungry, come eat this and tell me what you think." i looked hungry? ugh. i couldnt really say no, so i took a bite.. and another.. and another.. pretty much inhaled the whole thing.
anyway so there you have it, i am as fat as can be.
oh yeah, my mom made cookies. i've had about twelve so far. someone just needs to come and sew my mouth closed!
maybe i can fast tomorrow... if i can, i will!
take care lovelies,
s. xo
i am not in a good mood today...
this morning my mom made a huge breakfast for everyone.. scrambled eggs with salsa and bacon on english muffins.. so good but fatty =( after that my family and i went out to costco to get pictures taken for our passports (surprise surprise, i looked about 200 lbs in mine). afterwards, my dad and brother claimed to be starving so they wanted to go out for lunch. i was already ready to be done eating for the day thanks to the huge breakfast we had. but no, they were hungry so we went out.
i was at least hoping we could go somewhere where i could order a salad, but nope, we ended up going to a little burger shack place. burgers, hotdogs, milkshakes and pop only. good lord kill me now. i had a hotdog and a banana milkshake, dont even want to know the cals.
after that i went to H's house, we played some video games and i avoided eating there. i went straight to work from there at 5, so i missed dinner. didnt eat at work, and i was just on my way home when a friend who works in the kitchen called me over. he had just cooked up some new wok dish, and wanted someone to try it. he said "you look hungry, come eat this and tell me what you think." i looked hungry? ugh. i couldnt really say no, so i took a bite.. and another.. and another.. pretty much inhaled the whole thing.
anyway so there you have it, i am as fat as can be.
oh yeah, my mom made cookies. i've had about twelve so far. someone just needs to come and sew my mouth closed!
maybe i can fast tomorrow... if i can, i will!
take care lovelies,
s. xo
Monday, March 8, 2010
a new week
hey friends
so it is monday yet again, and a new week begins...
i am hoping to stick to the same plan i did last week (~200 cal breakfast, water water water, skip dinner if possible). i think i did okay with it, but i know i can do better!
i have about a month of school left, and i CANNOT WAIT for it to be over. not going to lie, i am pretty disappointed with my first year of university so far. i know it is what you make of it, but im just not enjoying it at all. im taking a variety of courses, none of which are sparking my interest, and half the time i just find myself falling asleep in class, bored to tears. oh well.
i need to buy a proper scale ASAP. i have an ominous feeling that the one i have now i pretty far off the accurate mark, and its probably telling me im a whole lot lighter than i actually am. cause no fucking way do i feel like im 110 lbs. i just feel so damn heavy and flabby and huge =(
anyway girls hope you all have a nice day.
s. xo
so it is monday yet again, and a new week begins...
i am hoping to stick to the same plan i did last week (~200 cal breakfast, water water water, skip dinner if possible). i think i did okay with it, but i know i can do better!
i have about a month of school left, and i CANNOT WAIT for it to be over. not going to lie, i am pretty disappointed with my first year of university so far. i know it is what you make of it, but im just not enjoying it at all. im taking a variety of courses, none of which are sparking my interest, and half the time i just find myself falling asleep in class, bored to tears. oh well.
i need to buy a proper scale ASAP. i have an ominous feeling that the one i have now i pretty far off the accurate mark, and its probably telling me im a whole lot lighter than i actually am. cause no fucking way do i feel like im 110 lbs. i just feel so damn heavy and flabby and huge =(
anyway girls hope you all have a nice day.
s. xo
Sunday, March 7, 2010
weird weekend
hey guys, sorry ive not really had much to post about over the past few days...
friday was a good day, i made the banana ice cream stuff (180 cals) and it was nothing really like ice cream lol, more just like creamy banana mush.. pretty tasty either way though! i had that an one grape (2 cals) and two almonds (14 cals) for breakfast, so 196 to start my day. went to the mall with H, didnt buy anything though. then we went to the beach cause the weather was amazing, it was the most beautiful day we've had in a long time! managed not to eat up til dinner time, H insisted on going to white spot (fucking hate eating there cause for some reason they have no nutritional info anywhere on the web!) and i had the meditterranean chicken salad.. basically chicken, lettuce/spinach, cucumbers, olives, peppers and onions, no dressing. i guess 350 cals? anyway then H ordered dessert for us, the mini hot fudge brownie, and i only had two bites of it so i dont know, 50 cals? that puts me at around 596 for the day. higher than i would have liked but whatever.
yesterday was a pretty shitty day.. dont really feel like going into detail, but i ate alot, H and i fought, M pissed me off, i cried, was grumpy and felt like i had wasted my whole saturday.
so here i am on sunday morning, still havnt gotten out of bed yet. i dont want to eat anything today. i am back down to 109.5 lbs, but it doesnt really look like it cause my stomach is so bloated for some reason. it looks like im fucking pregnant. really odd though, cause my hipbones are becoming much more visible, yet my stomach seems to stick out farther and farther.. wtf?
i kind of want to go get pierced today. i know i was talking about a tattoo for when i reach 100 lbs, but i think i'll just wait til my birthday in october for that. in the meantime though, i think i've settled on the VCH piercing... just seems really fun to me!
also, hello to my new followers =) hope you are all well, thanks for following.
anyway hope you lovely people have a nice day, i'll post again before i go to bed.
stay skinny,
s. xo
friday was a good day, i made the banana ice cream stuff (180 cals) and it was nothing really like ice cream lol, more just like creamy banana mush.. pretty tasty either way though! i had that an one grape (2 cals) and two almonds (14 cals) for breakfast, so 196 to start my day. went to the mall with H, didnt buy anything though. then we went to the beach cause the weather was amazing, it was the most beautiful day we've had in a long time! managed not to eat up til dinner time, H insisted on going to white spot (fucking hate eating there cause for some reason they have no nutritional info anywhere on the web!) and i had the meditterranean chicken salad.. basically chicken, lettuce/spinach, cucumbers, olives, peppers and onions, no dressing. i guess 350 cals? anyway then H ordered dessert for us, the mini hot fudge brownie, and i only had two bites of it so i dont know, 50 cals? that puts me at around 596 for the day. higher than i would have liked but whatever.
yesterday was a pretty shitty day.. dont really feel like going into detail, but i ate alot, H and i fought, M pissed me off, i cried, was grumpy and felt like i had wasted my whole saturday.
so here i am on sunday morning, still havnt gotten out of bed yet. i dont want to eat anything today. i am back down to 109.5 lbs, but it doesnt really look like it cause my stomach is so bloated for some reason. it looks like im fucking pregnant. really odd though, cause my hipbones are becoming much more visible, yet my stomach seems to stick out farther and farther.. wtf?
i kind of want to go get pierced today. i know i was talking about a tattoo for when i reach 100 lbs, but i think i'll just wait til my birthday in october for that. in the meantime though, i think i've settled on the VCH piercing... just seems really fun to me!
also, hello to my new followers =) hope you are all well, thanks for following.
anyway hope you lovely people have a nice day, i'll post again before i go to bed.
stay skinny,
s. xo
Thursday, March 4, 2010
fast day complete !
hey friends =)
hope you're all well! today, i planned to fast, and i pulled it off. didnt eat a single nibble of anything all day... all i had was bottle after bottle of lime water and one vanilla rooibos tea from starbucks (0 cals!)
also, walked 45 mins to H's house this morning, and then from there, 30 mins to school. and then running around at work from 5 - 9.30, my legs are damn tired! its kind of odd though... all this exercise and no intake at all, and i dont even feel hungry. my stomach has growled maybe twice today lol. oh well at least i know im empty and i feel good about it =)
so plan for tomorrow: im so sorry i cant remember who's blog i found this on, but it is a recipe for ice cream made just from bananas! or something like it anyway. you throw a few frozen bananas in a blender and just blend away until they are completely dissolved.. apparently the consistency is like ice cream? i dont know, but i think im gonna try that for breakfast instead of my oatmeal. two bananas should still come to around 200 cals, a bit less. then after that no more food til dinner.. still not sure if we are going out or not. ill only eat dinner if we end up going out i guess.
in other news... got my period today, already feeling the period bloat and grossness coming on. cramps are brutal =( oh and just a question in case anyone knows.. on the label for my centrum forte, it says do not take less than two hours before or four hours after other meds.. does this inclue ibuprophen and antihistamines? i take two ibuprophens and a reactin pill every morning for my back/leg pain and my allergies, and its kind of a pain to remember to take my mulitvitamin in the middle of the day, or 4 hours later lol. it would be preferable to just take them all at once! the label isnt very specific, so i dont know if it means medication like meds in general or like medication medication... you know what i mean lol.
i am currently reading a great book, its called the lost symbol, by dan brown. he's the guy who wrote angels and demons, and the da vinci code. its an awesome read if you enjoyed those books, i recommend it! i have been meaning to get to the library and pick up a copy of wasted by marya hornbacher, defs want to read that soon. anyone seen any good movies lately? anything you can recommend to me?
anyway thats all for now, im super tired sooo gonna try and get a solid 8 hours sleep!
stay focused ladies =)
s. xo
hope you're all well! today, i planned to fast, and i pulled it off. didnt eat a single nibble of anything all day... all i had was bottle after bottle of lime water and one vanilla rooibos tea from starbucks (0 cals!)
also, walked 45 mins to H's house this morning, and then from there, 30 mins to school. and then running around at work from 5 - 9.30, my legs are damn tired! its kind of odd though... all this exercise and no intake at all, and i dont even feel hungry. my stomach has growled maybe twice today lol. oh well at least i know im empty and i feel good about it =)
so plan for tomorrow: im so sorry i cant remember who's blog i found this on, but it is a recipe for ice cream made just from bananas! or something like it anyway. you throw a few frozen bananas in a blender and just blend away until they are completely dissolved.. apparently the consistency is like ice cream? i dont know, but i think im gonna try that for breakfast instead of my oatmeal. two bananas should still come to around 200 cals, a bit less. then after that no more food til dinner.. still not sure if we are going out or not. ill only eat dinner if we end up going out i guess.
in other news... got my period today, already feeling the period bloat and grossness coming on. cramps are brutal =( oh and just a question in case anyone knows.. on the label for my centrum forte, it says do not take less than two hours before or four hours after other meds.. does this inclue ibuprophen and antihistamines? i take two ibuprophens and a reactin pill every morning for my back/leg pain and my allergies, and its kind of a pain to remember to take my mulitvitamin in the middle of the day, or 4 hours later lol. it would be preferable to just take them all at once! the label isnt very specific, so i dont know if it means medication like meds in general or like medication medication... you know what i mean lol.
i am currently reading a great book, its called the lost symbol, by dan brown. he's the guy who wrote angels and demons, and the da vinci code. its an awesome read if you enjoyed those books, i recommend it! i have been meaning to get to the library and pick up a copy of wasted by marya hornbacher, defs want to read that soon. anyone seen any good movies lately? anything you can recommend to me?
anyway thats all for now, im super tired sooo gonna try and get a solid 8 hours sleep!
stay focused ladies =)
s. xo
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
wednesday
hey everyone
today was both good and bad... lets start off with the good.
i had my breakfast this morning, oatmeal (160 cals) and an apple (60 cals), for a 220 cal meal. i went off to school, and my class got let out early today. i was walking towards the bus stop when i thought hey, why dont i just walk home? now im always up for nice long walks and exercise, but this long walk would be REALLY long. like, almost two hours long. but hey, i had nothing better to do. so i walked, two hours, home.
finally arrived home, jumped in the shower and took a short nap. my mom was out getting groceries, so i thought i would be able to escape dinner altogether before work, but my dad got home about half an hour before i was to leave, and he forced me to eat. so i had a bowl of chicken soup (100 cals) which wasnt too bad, considering all the exercise i had just gotten. anyway i get to work, and within an hour of being there, i caved =( there was a mistake fried rice sitting in the back.. i stood and stared at it for probably 5 minutes before eating, trying so hard to convince myself NO. but i couldnt.. i failed. i ate a few mouthfuls of it, and then a bite or two of chocolate cake, and then a whole god damn chicken sandwich. what the fuck samantha?!?! i wasnt even hungry!
sooo im trying to work out the cals in my head a bit.. work was super super busy so i was running a lot, plus the 2 hour walk, that must be a lot of cals burnt? hopefully it sort of evens out the cals i ingested. ewww. tomorrow will be a fast day! just cause i feel like it, not really to punish myself. water and tea only.
so here is my plan for tomorrow:
get up around 9, shower, get ready for the day
leave the house at 11, walk to H's (about a 40 min walk)
arrive there probably 11.45, hang out with him til 1.30 (NO EATING)
leave at 1.30, walk to school from his house (about 20 mins)
class from 2-4, mom will pick me up from school at 4.15
start work at 5, so hopefully i will avoid dinner
dont fucking eat at work ! good grief.
probably be there til 10 or 10.30, straight to bed when i get home.
sound good? yes. lots of walking and exercise tomorrow. i want to wake up on friday feeling empty empty empty. i may be going out for dinner with some friends on friday night, if that is the case i wont eat breakfast or anything before that. hopefully we go to red robin or something, they have that great huge salad that is like 320 cals. saturday i will be drinking heavily, its a friend's birthday, soo i'll probably eat breakfast on saturday and then a very small little something before the party just so i dont puke lol.
so disappointed that i caved at work, i was doing so good too =( hmph. fuck you stomach.
anyway.. hope you girls all had a good day! lets make tomorrow an even better one!
love you all,
s. xo
today was both good and bad... lets start off with the good.
i had my breakfast this morning, oatmeal (160 cals) and an apple (60 cals), for a 220 cal meal. i went off to school, and my class got let out early today. i was walking towards the bus stop when i thought hey, why dont i just walk home? now im always up for nice long walks and exercise, but this long walk would be REALLY long. like, almost two hours long. but hey, i had nothing better to do. so i walked, two hours, home.
finally arrived home, jumped in the shower and took a short nap. my mom was out getting groceries, so i thought i would be able to escape dinner altogether before work, but my dad got home about half an hour before i was to leave, and he forced me to eat. so i had a bowl of chicken soup (100 cals) which wasnt too bad, considering all the exercise i had just gotten. anyway i get to work, and within an hour of being there, i caved =( there was a mistake fried rice sitting in the back.. i stood and stared at it for probably 5 minutes before eating, trying so hard to convince myself NO. but i couldnt.. i failed. i ate a few mouthfuls of it, and then a bite or two of chocolate cake, and then a whole god damn chicken sandwich. what the fuck samantha?!?! i wasnt even hungry!
sooo im trying to work out the cals in my head a bit.. work was super super busy so i was running a lot, plus the 2 hour walk, that must be a lot of cals burnt? hopefully it sort of evens out the cals i ingested. ewww. tomorrow will be a fast day! just cause i feel like it, not really to punish myself. water and tea only.
so here is my plan for tomorrow:
get up around 9, shower, get ready for the day
leave the house at 11, walk to H's (about a 40 min walk)
arrive there probably 11.45, hang out with him til 1.30 (NO EATING)
leave at 1.30, walk to school from his house (about 20 mins)
class from 2-4, mom will pick me up from school at 4.15
start work at 5, so hopefully i will avoid dinner
dont fucking eat at work ! good grief.
probably be there til 10 or 10.30, straight to bed when i get home.
sound good? yes. lots of walking and exercise tomorrow. i want to wake up on friday feeling empty empty empty. i may be going out for dinner with some friends on friday night, if that is the case i wont eat breakfast or anything before that. hopefully we go to red robin or something, they have that great huge salad that is like 320 cals. saturday i will be drinking heavily, its a friend's birthday, soo i'll probably eat breakfast on saturday and then a very small little something before the party just so i dont puke lol.
so disappointed that i caved at work, i was doing so good too =( hmph. fuck you stomach.
anyway.. hope you girls all had a good day! lets make tomorrow an even better one!
love you all,
s. xo
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